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Healthy Relationships
What to Do After the AffairWhen one of the partners in a committed relationship is unfaithful, the relationship is at serious risk of dissolving if the couple tries to “shove it under the rug” instead of facing it squarely.Some think talking it over will be too painful, but most therapists agree that is not nearly as painful as splitting up.
A relationship strained by infidelity will go through various phases, says marriage counselor Janis Spring, author of After the Affair. The partners need to take certain steps—and it’s made easier with the help of a licensed marriage counselor. The steps:
1. Acknowledge what happened.
The unfaithful partner needs to hear and understand his/her spouse’s pain. Neither party should trivialize those profound feelings of loss and betrayal. Women in this situation often keep their emotions inside, blaming themselves for what happened and becoming depressed or withdrawn. The unfaithful partner needs to tell the story of what happened—not the intimate details, but how the affair came to occur and what problems it seemed to solve. Both partners need to be tested for sexually transmitted diseases.
2. Begin to move on.
The unfaithful partner needs to verify that the affair is over.
The unfaithful partner needs to apologize, and be genuinely sorry.
The couple needs to decide whether or not to re-commit to the marriage.
3. Rebuild the relationship (if the decision is made to re-commit).
The couple needs to understand that this process will take time and energy, and that healing may be slow.
Both partners need to recognize their fears. The betrayed partner typically fears that the relationship will never be safe again, while the unfaithful partner fears he or she will never be forgiven.
The unfaithful partner has to be willing to earn back trust by taking concrete steps to demonstrate affection and caring—not just in the bedroom.
The couple needs to plan to spend more time together talking, having fun and creating a vision for the future.
Wise couples take a marriage enrichment course to improve their communication skills and learn how to listen, resolve conflicts and share more deeply.
The couple needs to understand that “in love” is a temporary euphoric state; real love is an enduring bond that is carefully forged over time.
4. Know when to end the marriage.
Some people are simply unable to create a good marriage because of psychological problems, a damaged past or other issues.
Some couples are better off apart because their differences truly are irreconcilable.
BOOKS THAT MAY BE HELPFUL:
After the Affair: Overcoming the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful, by Janis Abrahm Spring, Harper Perennial, 1997
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work : A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert by John Gottman, Nan Silver, Three Rivers Press, 2000
Fighting for your Marriage: Positive Steps for Preventing Divorce and Preserving a Lasting Love by Howard J Markman, Jossey-Bass, 2001
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus: Practical Guide for Improving Communication and Getting What You Want in Your Relationships by John Gray, HarperCollins, 1993.
Getting the Love you Want, by Harville Hendrix, Owl Books, 2001 rev. This page last updated 2/12/08 04:08 PM
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